Mr. Harris' Wild Ride -- Part ONE

So... I just rode a train down to Maryland, USA. If you've never tried this mode of transportation before, I highly suggest it. It was the most comfortable I've been on a long trip and by FAR the most interesting. Let's see how interesting you find it by the end of this novella. (I'm gonna get fired....)

It all started at the bus station in East Lansing. I should mention at this time that my parents came with me on this trip. So, we're at the bus station waiting around for the bus. We're standing outside because the waiting area was hot, muggy, and smelled subtly of urine (and you know that wet air is full of molecules that... well, even now, I shudder to think of it) -- Anyway, here we are, outside ... waiting... this young girl comes out of the station and sits on a bench near my mother. She turns out to be Katie the MSU freshman travelling to "Picksburg" to see her mama. She's travelling alone it turns out and on a train for the first time (I informed her that Heimlich's Chew Chew train at Disneyland doesn't count) and was a bit nervous. Understandable if you've ever been to a bus depot where you can hardly tell the pending passengers from the hobos (the trick is to look for luggage (not always 100% accurate though)). So we adopted Wee Katie for this bus ride.

I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to the Toledo Train Station, but others on the bus felt that the driver could have spent more time concentrating on driving, and less time popping pills, eating coleslaw, and talking on his cell phone.

Now, on to Toledo, where we met Andy the Drunk and his mother, Marge. Andy the Drunk spotted us as the train-newbies we were from the moment he laid eyes on the eight of us. (For the sake of factuality, i now mention that both Mom and Pop have been on many, many trains before.... but this did not stop Andy the Drunk from taking us under his wing.)

Regardless, Andy was incredibly cordial, informing us of all the in's and out's of train travel. He even watched our luggage for us while we had dinner at a nearby table. Once on the train, he insisted that we allow him to give Pop and me a tour of the train. This was a bi-level train with most of the passenger seating on the top level. The front cars contained the sleeper rooms, next were the bar car, diner cars, and observation room (club car in lower level). The rest of the passenger seating was located in all but the final car, of course, the caboose (did not get to enter the caboose). He showed me how to open the doors between cars (it's actually fairly obvious, but he insisted that he has witnessed innumerable amounts of people who lacked the presence of mind to press the large black button labeled "PRESS" that opens the door). He located the bathrooms for me and pointed out sleeping passengers and almost got in a fight with a guy who said, "Nice shirt" to me (Andy the Drunk was certain he had heard "Jerk".... hi jinks followed).

This seems as good a time as any to mention that apparently, all train personnel are DICKS!

Anyway, we got back to my parents and Katie the MSU freshmen had found her way to them (did I mention that she was separated from us when we boarded? Oh... well, she was separated from us, when we boarded, by the conductor...). Andy the Drunk was going to head down to find his mother and grab some of the beer that he had stowed away in his luggage for us all to enjoy. He made lewd gestures around the tuchas of young Katie as he stumbled toward the stairway leading to the lower passenger area. (This stumbling was related to train movement.... as I have said, he's a drunk, so he's very good at walking a straight line whilst inebriated). Katie then asked me to give her the tour of the train. So we headed back up toward the front. In the bar car, we bumped into the head waiter, the conductor, and another rail employee. Katie very much wanted to see what the sleeper rooms looked like but they informed us that all the rooms were taken, or they would gladly show her what they look like. So we headed on back to the family to see what was what.

When we arrived, a new person had been added to the cast without my knowledge. Dan the Amish. There sat Dan the Amish with Andy the Drunk and Pop, beers in hand, supplied to them by ... well, you know.... Andy the Drunk welcomed us back and handed me his beer for a sip. (If you know me at all, this was a somewhat horrifying prospect) But I didn't want to be rude, what with being under his wing and all, so I tipped my head back with the hope that the low alcohol content of this tall can of Miller Light would be sufficient to kill whatever may be lurking within Andy the Drunk's mouth. (I haven't gotten sick yet, so... well, hopefully I'm okay...) I couldn't help but notice however that Dan the Amish hadn't even opened his tasty beverage (Do they have a rule about that? (by "they" I'm referring to the kind of Amish who are allowed to indulge in transportation not pulled by horses (I know the rules differ from sect to sect)))

Dan the Amish though was very pleasant, and, woah! Talk about a weak handshake for the roughest hands I've ever felt. I don't hold this against him though. I'm positive he does not have a lot of contact with outsiders, and that would make anybody nervous, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt that within his community he is a confident individual and a pillar or their society. Dan the Amish promptly fell asleep....

We all chatted for a bit longer and Andy the Drunk made a few more lewd gestures in Katie the MSU freshman's tuchas region (all the while mischievously grinning at me, searching for my approval for a late-40's man "molesting" an 18-year-old).

All of a sudden like, Dan the Amish woke from his nap, said "Goodnight, English" and sauntered back to the car with all the other Amish people (did I mention there was a whole passenger section full of Amish??) in it, holding his beer inside his vest as he stumbled (this also was due to train movement.... as I have said, Dan the Amish did not open his beer)

Join us next week for the continuation of this story wherein Andy the Drunk leaves us forever in search of his mother, my parents fall asleep for the better part of the train trip, and some new characters are added to the tale.

Black and White and Read All Over...

I have never paid much attention to news or to politics, I'm trying to do better but I still don't know half the political names that get thrown around. I know Obama is half black, Romney is Mormon, Clinton used to be a woman, but Bloomberg? Huckabee? Kucinich? Not a clue.

And as for the rest of the news, well, it's just depressing. I find myself reading Newsoftheweird.com and the Pecular Postings of MSNBC.com because it makes me giggle and doesn't make me feel like humanity is not worth saving.

However, the older I get, more I feel as if I have the right to air my opinion about every news article whether it be political, criminal, educational, entertaining or whatnot. I didn't used to think my opinion was so very very important but since I don't hear anybody else saying what I'm thinking, I guess I have to speak for myself. So without further ado:

Dividedwefail.org
If you've seen the commercials you don't really know what it is (this could be said about 89% of all advertising in America). The commercial is a bunch of kids talking about how politicians should be more honest and should be held accountable to what they promise. I agree whole heartedly and even like their little half donkey half elephant mascot. However, if you actually go to the website its the AARP!!!! What the crap! The fact that the American Association of Retired Persons uses children in their marketing automatically makes me suspicious of their motives.

The basic platform is health care and social security, ok, kids need health care I understand that, but social security? Don't for one second try to make me believe that social security is something more than a specifically "retired persons" interest. By the time the kids in the commercial need it, it's most likely going to be gone. Other than saying it should be "strengthened" for the future (which doesn't really mean anything) they just want to make sure all those baby boomers get their own. Sure, they paid into it, but probably not as much as they plan on taking out, and definatly not as much as I'm paying into it.
Anyway, enough of social security...

Don't Tase Me, Bro!
Puh-Lease! Yeah, he's breakin' his silence. He plans on writing a freakin' book! I've also included the original clip of the "incident" where he flips out but doesn't exactly know why they "tazed" him. This is the type of democrat that should make all other democrats cringe. Personally, I think the tazer was the best invention since the toilet! Of course, now there is all this discussion about whether or not the tazer is somehow interfering with our constitutional rights. I think if an officer of the law asks you to do something and you don't do it, then getting tazed is a lot better than getting shot, and a heck of a lot easier for the officers than trying to argue with idiots like this.

In Case You Need a Reason to Hate the Government.
I don't think there's anything I can say about this article (from newsoftheweird.com) that any reasonable person wouldn't already be thinking...whoever wrote their orders is an evil evil person.
The 2,600 members of the Minnesota National Guard returned recently from extended duty in Iraq, which was reportedly the longest consecutive deployment of any outfit (22 months, counting extensions). However, the Guardsmen still do not qualify for government education benefits. The law allows the benefits only for those on "active duty" at least 730 days, but the Minnesota Guard's orders (as well as some other outfits' orders), were specifically written for "729 days." [KARE-TV (Minneapolis), 10-18-07]

Someday I'm going to write a newspaper with nothing but good news.

greetings from the Lou Diamond Phillips fan club

I am very anti-commercial. Commercials interrupt whatever I’m watching, they are usually annoying and stupid, and they usually put some irritating jingle in your head that you can’t shake. (I’m thinking of specifically of an old Meijer theme for A million reason, a single store.) Be that as it may, I do say I enjoy the new ATT/Cingular campaign where the actor sits in front of a constantly changing stage and at the end states that he needs a network to work in some outlandish place like Philondelware or some such thing. I actually look forward to some new place just to hear the jumble come out of their mouths. It’s really too bad that you can’t use proper names in Scrabble, because this campaign would create quite the argument. Yes, that will be the triple word score, and a bonus for using all of my tiles for New Amstockahoma. Sweet.

Continuing with annoying things, I would just like to say that Lou Diamond Phillips is in East Lansing at this moment. Shooting Young Guns 3, you say? Oh no. He is King Arthur in Camelot. Oh right. When I think of the mythical might ruler of the Britons, I think of a Latino has been actor. Has Phillips been in anything good? Besides Young Guns, I saw him in a funny episode of Psych, but other than that, any movie with him on the cover, I stay away from.

So House is several episodes in and I’m not sure how this is going to play out. The preview for last week’s episode was totally misleading, which is Fox’s prerogative. It seems as if the applicants, which are down to six, are not very detail oriented. Regardless, I like the spoofs of the reality shows (Survivor and Bachelor that I can tell so far), which makes a completely ridiculous situation even more so. Next week Foreman is back in the mix, which should make things interesting.