How Much is Too Much?

According to recent reports, the occurrence of twins born in the US is up 60% since IVF and other fertility treatments have become more common. This means everytime I'm at the grocery store and see twins, I have to stop and think to myself, "Are those real twins, or fake twins?" Then I look at the parents and realize they are 50 year old yuppies and I know the answer.

You see, kids today are an awful lot like boobs. Sometimes God gives you a nice pair, and sometimes you have to get them from the doctor. Before plastic surgery if you saw a woman with a giant pair and you pointed at her and said "fake!" no one would know what you're talking about. I have to think the same thing is going to happen, nay MUST happen, with kids. We will look at the twins in our neighborhoods and try to figure out which are real and which are fake.

Look at these freakin' old celebrities who are popping out twins! Not only that, but I find it an insult to my intellegence that they try to make us think that somehow Julia Roberts just happened to have twins WITHOUT fertility treatments? Yeah right! And Jane Seymour at 45, more twins! Joan London, 2 sets of twins at 50 and 54. And 47 year old Marcia Cross. Some of them are smart enough to own up but let's think about this...

Your celebrity twins are NOT special. They are no more special than your $30,000 butt implants and your $28,000 chipmunk cheeks and $8,000 trout lips. Everybody has twins. It almost takes away from those people that conceive twins naturally, now that's something to be proud of! And the fact that celebrities are setting this trend of spending insane amounts of money to have fake babies is a little saddening. Considering there were 520,000 kids in foster care in the US as of 2003 (the most recent stats I could find) it's just unreasonable for couples to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to have their "own" kid. It's even more unreasonable for single unemployed women to make tax payers pay for their fake babies which will most likely end up in foster care! What would happen if we channeled all that money from fake babies into adoption and foster care? Wouldn't this world be a better place?

This is how I see it, in choosing to spend that God forsaken amount of money to get pregnant you are basically saying 1) pregnancy is THAT important and 2) I don't want used goods. Take a look at pop culture today. If you follow the trend, you're going to build your career until about 4 months before menopause sets in, then you spend $500,000 to have fake triplets that don't look like you because you either used someone elses eggs or vagina or you've had so much plastic surgery or all of the above. If you want a taste of what I'm talking about, read some "miracle baby" stories.

About 80% of the time, women are half in love with the "baby bump" cause it's just so dang cute, but it MUST be gone within 5 minutes after your scheduled c-section. Then you take your premature 3 pound kids to whichever gossip rag paid you the most and have them photographed until they're having seizures from the camera flash. Then at about 4 or 5 you abruptly take them out of the spotlight when the toddler cuteness has worn off and you realize kids are not cute or fun and you're too freakin' old to deal with their learning disabilities. But that's all ok because you have a full time nanny and by the time they're 18 you're dead of old age.

Let me just say to all those "celebrity" "parents" out their, or even if you want to be a "celebrity" "parent", here is some hard truth for you: You should not be a parent. There is nothing about parenthood that comes close to the LSD hallucination you're basing your decisions on. You are too selfish to be a good parent. In fact, I don't really think you should have pets either. Get yourself a nice plant, not an orchid because you may have to water and feed it. Start out with a cactus or some other succulent that doesn't require water. If the only stable relationship you have is with your therapist, you should just not get involved in the life of minor children in any way, shape, or form.

Now let me talk to the normal people out there who may be having difficulty conceiving. If you really want kids, not pregnancy, not a baby, not a toddler, but actual kids who will grow up and look awkward and get acne and talk back and eat all your food and want to drive your car, then take a good look at the money you make minus the money it would take to conceive and compare it to the money it would take to adopt, or even foster kids. Don't consider foster kids used goods. In fact, we won't even call them "used", instead we'll call them "previously born". Out of 520,000 kids currently in foster care, couldn't there be one out there that's right for you? Let's take "green" thinking to its logical next step: reduce, reuse, recycle! Let's 'reduce' the number of children we concieve, 'reuse' perfectly good children we already have, and 'recycle'...them....because...eh, 2 out of 3 is good enough.

Now, I'm not against all fertility treatments, in many cases, fertility drugs are cheaper than the cost and time and energy that an adoption would take. In fact I really trully think adoption (both in and outside of the US) needs major overhauls to make the whole process smoother and quicker and CHEAPER for those healthy well balanced couples who choose to adopt. For myself, I plan on having my 'own' kids some day, mainly because it seems cheaper and more fun than adoption. But I have limits on how far I'm willing to go to get them. Clomed (sp?) is a popular fertility drug that works for a lot of people and doesn't cost as much as adoption. However if, at some point, I find that kids are possible with only 52 easy payments of $25,000 plus tax, I'm going the other route.

One of the major proponents of the early church was that it take care of the widows and orphans, two of societies most neglected peoples. I think we should kill two birds with one stone, get your kid, and take care of someone who doesn't have anyone else to take care of them. Doesn't this make sense? Why do people believe they could only love someone that came from themselves? Especially for Christians, we should know that Christ loved us enough to die for us when we were still sinners. We are Gods adopted/foster/used goods kids, we are broken and He still loves us. Why can't we pass that kind of love onto others?