The Art of Running for People Who Would Rather Do Anything But...

This may come as a surprise to some of you but I am not an athletic person. I have found in my lifetime that sweating and breathing hard and a lot of movement is not conducive to reading which is what I really like to do. I'm also not excited by the idea of physical activity that does not accomplish anything. It seems an awful lot like work. I hate watching sports, I hate sports talk shows, I hate sports commercials and sports stores. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where athletic extra curricular activities were dominated by my brother and entering any such activities would have lead to unflattering comparisons by my less than stellar father, yes, even as a kid I understood this.

However, at the ripe old age of 29, I have finally set aside some of the more serious "you'll never be as good as your brother" issues while other issues are so deeply suppressed in my psyche that I'll probably never be able to break that wall down and deal with them. This leaves me open to try new things without the crushing self loathing of my childhood (wow, where is this coming from?!) So after much deliberation I took up jogging. Now, after nearly 5 weeks of jogging I can tell you everything you need to know to get up and get moving. Let's begin shall we.

1) Infinitesimal Motivation
I don't have a lot of will power, I'm almost never motivated, I don't have moments of clarity that change my life forever. What I do have is microscopic sporadic urges to do somewhat healthy things combined with a total lack of patience. Thus, whenever I have a free time and think "I should get up and do something", I do it. Immediately. I don't think twice, I don't stop to consider all the other things I could be doing, I don't second guess my abilities, I just go do it. You'd be surprised how much you can accomplish by blocking out rational thought. And to be clear, I never have the urge to run, I have the desire to be able to run. To do something healthy and not pass out or throw up on the side of the road. So if you have even an inkling of a desire to do something, my advice to you is to jump on it. Attack it and never look back. Do it one day, maybe the next time that urge comes around and you do it, it's slightly less horrible.

2) No Victory is Too Small

This is the imperative second step to following infinitesimal motivation. For me it's important to think that following the motivation is actually changing me in obvious ways, that every step I take is moving me away from failure and towards something better, something I spent most of my life believing I could not do. Today I don't feel as exhausted after 2 miles. Today I sprinted the last block home. Today I could talk while jogging.Today I didn't choke on my own spit. I don't talk to people much about what my goals are in running or about running in general, I just can't afford to fill my head with negative or pessimistic comments.

3) The Zero Tolerance Rule

#3 is basically the other side of #2. As I celebrate every little victory, even if it's just not hating running as much as I used to, I also avoid know-it-alls. Know-it-alls are almost always negative and bossy. I have avoided so many things because I was afraid that other people would be dissappointed with me or that I would be disappointed with myself, I don't feel I need anymore of that talk. So what if I'm doing it wrong, I'm doing it. So what if my shoes aren't right or I'm holding my arms too high or I don't bounce on my toes enough (yes, I've heard these before). I'm doing it, if at some time in the future I choose to improve my style by asking your advise I will ask it, until then I'm just working on putting one foot in front of the other.

4) Night Time is the Right Time

This one is not for everyone but it really works for me. Running at night. As long as I don't get hit by a car, I really really like running at night for several reasons. A) It's cooler outside, as we near summer temperatures of 110 degrees, this will be come more important. B) You can't see how fast or slow you are going, it forces me to pick a pace based on what I can handle instead of how fast I think I should go. C) I'm less self conscious knowing there is no one to see me and judge me. D) It's quieter and there's less traffic.

The down side to jogging at night is the possibility of wild animals and weirdos. Ben and I were on the bike trail at about 9:30 one night and got within 20 ft. of a coyote. Tonight there was some old homeless looking guy putting on a ski mask who yelled something at me. I have no idea what he yelled but it kinda sort sounded like "You're a fag!".

5) The Buddy System

Run with someone really positive. Run with someone who's a better runner than you but has a lot of patience. This way, they can talk to you while you run and take your mind off of some of the pain. Run with someone really encouraging. And most importantly, lay out ground rules quickly. Ben is my running buddy and I made sure to tell him the very first day that if he got ahead of me, my first instinct is to catch up instead of telling him to slow down, then I would run out of steam, then get frustrated, then quit. So Ben knows not to push ahead but stays next to me. He also keeps track of time so we stick to our schedule.

6) The Bully System

As much as I don't allow anyone to be negative about my running. I can be negative about myself if I want. I don't allow disappointment or frustration, but I allow myself a little affectionate ribbing now and then. There is a killer hill I run into towards the end of the 2 miles, I hate it. I have yet to run up that thing without having to walk some of it. This is normally about the time I try some negative motivation. "Maybe this hurts so much because gravity is pulling my big fat butt back down the hill", "Maybe I should take this hill twice today, show that cottage cheese who's boss", "maybe I don't hate this hill, maybe I just love little debbie too much". Staying positive and not allowing frustration doesn't mean don't face reality, sometimes reality is having to push through no matter what. Sometimes humor is making the best of a less than ideal moment.

7) Clothes Make the Runner, Especially the Feet Part

I realized 2 weeks ago, that at 29 years old I have never owned a brand name pair of shoes and I've never bought a pair of shoes that cost $50. As of two weeks ago I own both. They are Nikes, I named them Betty and Ling (right and left). They are worth every penny. Betty and Ling keep my knees from hurting (too much) they have arch supports and padding, and they aren't as loose on my feet as my first running shoes (from payless).

I also went out and bought some really comfortable running pants and capris. But for those you can go to Goodwill, there's lots of selection and they've already been broken in for you! Pajama pants don't cut it. It's already hard to run, you should make sure you are as comfortable as you can be

8) Get a Plan

Get any plan, close your eyes and point and you can get a running plan, they are all over the internet. I recommend the Couch to 5K Running Plan created specifically for sedentary people like me. Get a plan, then get a route, no one likes to stop running to decide which way to go, get it mapped out before you go and there's less to think about.

Right now I can't tell you how I feel about running. I like that I do it, I like that I can do it. I don't enjoy it for it's own sake. I like feeling a little bit of accomplishment every time. Things I never thought I would be able to do, like run a whole mile without walking, are pretty simple now. I'm not as embarrassed to run with people watching. I don't know that I'll ever actually do a 5K but it's not out of the realm of reality. I would like to go to Hawaii this summer and I'd like to wear a bathing suit without feeling like the Pillsbury dough boy, or Staypuff Marshmallow Man, or the Michelin Man or any other white squishy monster. Maybe someday I'll enjoy running for the sake of running, maybe someday I feel the endorphins kick in like I hear tell of. That hasn't happened yet. When/if I get to that point I'll let you know, I'm sure it will be a momentous day.