Mr. Harris' Wild Ride -- Part ONE

So... I just rode a train down to Maryland, USA. If you've never tried this mode of transportation before, I highly suggest it. It was the most comfortable I've been on a long trip and by FAR the most interesting. Let's see how interesting you find it by the end of this novella. (I'm gonna get fired....)

It all started at the bus station in East Lansing. I should mention at this time that my parents came with me on this trip. So, we're at the bus station waiting around for the bus. We're standing outside because the waiting area was hot, muggy, and smelled subtly of urine (and you know that wet air is full of molecules that... well, even now, I shudder to think of it) -- Anyway, here we are, outside ... waiting... this young girl comes out of the station and sits on a bench near my mother. She turns out to be Katie the MSU freshman travelling to "Picksburg" to see her mama. She's travelling alone it turns out and on a train for the first time (I informed her that Heimlich's Chew Chew train at Disneyland doesn't count) and was a bit nervous. Understandable if you've ever been to a bus depot where you can hardly tell the pending passengers from the hobos (the trick is to look for luggage (not always 100% accurate though)). So we adopted Wee Katie for this bus ride.

I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to the Toledo Train Station, but others on the bus felt that the driver could have spent more time concentrating on driving, and less time popping pills, eating coleslaw, and talking on his cell phone.

Now, on to Toledo, where we met Andy the Drunk and his mother, Marge. Andy the Drunk spotted us as the train-newbies we were from the moment he laid eyes on the eight of us. (For the sake of factuality, i now mention that both Mom and Pop have been on many, many trains before.... but this did not stop Andy the Drunk from taking us under his wing.)

Regardless, Andy was incredibly cordial, informing us of all the in's and out's of train travel. He even watched our luggage for us while we had dinner at a nearby table. Once on the train, he insisted that we allow him to give Pop and me a tour of the train. This was a bi-level train with most of the passenger seating on the top level. The front cars contained the sleeper rooms, next were the bar car, diner cars, and observation room (club car in lower level). The rest of the passenger seating was located in all but the final car, of course, the caboose (did not get to enter the caboose). He showed me how to open the doors between cars (it's actually fairly obvious, but he insisted that he has witnessed innumerable amounts of people who lacked the presence of mind to press the large black button labeled "PRESS" that opens the door). He located the bathrooms for me and pointed out sleeping passengers and almost got in a fight with a guy who said, "Nice shirt" to me (Andy the Drunk was certain he had heard "Jerk".... hi jinks followed).

This seems as good a time as any to mention that apparently, all train personnel are DICKS!

Anyway, we got back to my parents and Katie the MSU freshmen had found her way to them (did I mention that she was separated from us when we boarded? Oh... well, she was separated from us, when we boarded, by the conductor...). Andy the Drunk was going to head down to find his mother and grab some of the beer that he had stowed away in his luggage for us all to enjoy. He made lewd gestures around the tuchas of young Katie as he stumbled toward the stairway leading to the lower passenger area. (This stumbling was related to train movement.... as I have said, he's a drunk, so he's very good at walking a straight line whilst inebriated). Katie then asked me to give her the tour of the train. So we headed back up toward the front. In the bar car, we bumped into the head waiter, the conductor, and another rail employee. Katie very much wanted to see what the sleeper rooms looked like but they informed us that all the rooms were taken, or they would gladly show her what they look like. So we headed on back to the family to see what was what.

When we arrived, a new person had been added to the cast without my knowledge. Dan the Amish. There sat Dan the Amish with Andy the Drunk and Pop, beers in hand, supplied to them by ... well, you know.... Andy the Drunk welcomed us back and handed me his beer for a sip. (If you know me at all, this was a somewhat horrifying prospect) But I didn't want to be rude, what with being under his wing and all, so I tipped my head back with the hope that the low alcohol content of this tall can of Miller Light would be sufficient to kill whatever may be lurking within Andy the Drunk's mouth. (I haven't gotten sick yet, so... well, hopefully I'm okay...) I couldn't help but notice however that Dan the Amish hadn't even opened his tasty beverage (Do they have a rule about that? (by "they" I'm referring to the kind of Amish who are allowed to indulge in transportation not pulled by horses (I know the rules differ from sect to sect)))

Dan the Amish though was very pleasant, and, woah! Talk about a weak handshake for the roughest hands I've ever felt. I don't hold this against him though. I'm positive he does not have a lot of contact with outsiders, and that would make anybody nervous, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt that within his community he is a confident individual and a pillar or their society. Dan the Amish promptly fell asleep....

We all chatted for a bit longer and Andy the Drunk made a few more lewd gestures in Katie the MSU freshman's tuchas region (all the while mischievously grinning at me, searching for my approval for a late-40's man "molesting" an 18-year-old).

All of a sudden like, Dan the Amish woke from his nap, said "Goodnight, English" and sauntered back to the car with all the other Amish people (did I mention there was a whole passenger section full of Amish??) in it, holding his beer inside his vest as he stumbled (this also was due to train movement.... as I have said, Dan the Amish did not open his beer)

Join us next week for the continuation of this story wherein Andy the Drunk leaves us forever in search of his mother, my parents fall asleep for the better part of the train trip, and some new characters are added to the tale.