Is This Really My LIfe?

Where as the other contributers to this blog are keeping up with current events and issues that effect us all, I feel like my life has been put in a blender and it's all I can do to keep up with the blades. Let's recap shall we?

Work is completely insane. I am currently supposed to be doing an inventory of my entire library. This requires me to weed each collection before doing the inventory. This is fine except that I have the largest reference collection in the entire system and the reference librarian in my library has been there 35 years and doesn't feel the need to change anything (this is also the answer to the age old question, "Why are all the books in the reference collection from 1964?")

So for the past week I have been diligently weeding reference while the other librarian is not in. And after having a surprisingly easy conversation about the reference collection, we able to cancel certain standing orders that are now on databases so that we can use that money to update other parts of the collection. $5,000 total!

I'm also in charge of supervising 7 pages in the library. Last week a page and a Library Assistant got into it in front of the patrons because the LA told the page to get back to work and he took offense to this. After going back and forth a little bit a patron came up and asked the LA if he was racist and wanted the phone number to the executive director so she could complain. UGH! To my eternal surprise, my boss decided that I would handle the situation "in house" meaning without administration taking control. I was able to have a very good and open conversation with the page. Turns out he was mostly offended by how it was said, not what was said and this was aggravated by small things going on that he wasn't telling me about. So the LA apologized for his rudeness and the page is getting a verbal warning for not following the guidelines set up in the page manual regarding such situations. All's well right?

No, of course not. Another page, who likes to stir things up. Jumps on the band wagon and whats to have a "group meeting" with me about everything I'm doing wrong. She's the manipulative one. So she got her sit down but it was one on one because I don't like to be ganged up on and at the end she got a a written evaluation saying she's got 6 weeks to act more professional or she's going to be terminated. So take that!

Is that all? No, not by half! This week I found out another page has been renewing her own materials (17 times!). Materials should only be renewed once. This is called manipulation of the database and is a big BIG no no! So guess what I get to deal with next week? (and that's assuming Admin isn't going to step in and make me completely powerless).

Enough about work, in fact, that's more than enough. What else is going on? Oh, not much. We're just trying to get our house ready to sell. We currently have a list taped up on the wall of every room with a list of things that need to be done, from cleaning to repainting to steam cleaning the carpet. Then we need to decided when we're going to try to sell. Do we put it up for sale before Ben has a job? Wait til after he's got a job and then feel pressured to sell as quickly as possible? Should we paint over colors we like because someone else might not like them? Can we even sell considering the housing market right now?

And the number one thing that takes up most of my thoughts every day, is Ben getting a job. A job for Ben clears up a lot of problems for me. It means I get a new job and don't have to work at such a mismanaged library any more. But it's not totally selfish. I know what it's like to be looking for a job and the low self esteem and sense of despair that comes from extended job searches. He did get a call from IBM asking to set up an interview with him in North Carolina, however that was last week and we haven't heard from them since even though Ben has emailed them and asked for an update. He also got an email from another company today asking to set up a phone interview. So at least we are getting nibbles but it's certainly not moving as fast as we would like it to. We picked up a new suit for him today so he's all set for those ever important first impressions, now if they'd just meet him!

And so, with all this in mind, I ask myself this question, "Is this really my life?" My life is for the most part based on what will happen in the future. And for the most part it does make sense, this is a time of transition. On the other hand, isn't it a really backwards way to live? I don't live in the past because that would be stupid, but it also can't be completely healthy to live in the future. I feel stressed, I feel overly busy, I feel worried, I feel like I'm just biding my time. I don't feel peaceful like I want to, I don't feel confident, I don't feel in control...

And now I want ice cream.