Calamity

A tape that was leaked to many world media outlets today is causing a great stir among America's enemies.

Apparently a classified Department of Defense recording somehow escaped the confines of the Pentagon's network and has now become front page news all over the world. The recording captures a civilian's sighting of an apparent attack on New York last weekend by an unknown threat called "Cloverfield". The United States had hoped to deal with the matter internally, but is now forced to acknowledge the calamity.

Al Qaeda leaders quickly claimed responsibility for the attack, proclaiming this their next great victory in the West as the tape depicts the destruction of most of Manhattan. Osama Bin Laden released a new tape to his followers in the Arab world today, taking full credit for the creation of the beast and his eventual launch into the Upper Bay where the Statue of Liberty stands. Bin Laden promised more of the same if the US did not cease its "global oppresssion", claiming to be in development of a new liquid metal Terminator.

In Korea, Kim Jong Il offered praise of the monstrosity that razed most of Midtown, and offered congratulations on its "destruction of the economic center of the evil American empire". The North Korean leader publicly offered sanctuary to the creature, on the condition that it did not produce any more of its flesh-eating spawn within his palace (he did allow a concession for the baby monsters to roam among the poorer neighborhoods in Korea). It is not known if the monster has survived, although distorted voices at the end of the tape gave terrorist leaders hope that there would be what they called a "sequel".

In China, Prime Minister Wen Jiabao offered condolences to the United States while offering to increase his trade surplus with the US, seeking to ship building materials and lead-based paint to local NY authorities to aid in rebuilding Manhattan. The aid would be distributed to workers through Wal-Mart.

UPDATE: Upon learning that the tape was actually a fictional account produced for the American entertainment industry, all three leaders were overhead to exclaim some translation of "Aw, &$%@!!!!"