Life lessons

Just thought I'd put together a post regaling you of the things I have learned in recent days / weeks. Some things that everyone might need to know at one time or another.

How to make your electric lock for your car start working again - Alcohol. And for once, I'm not referring to the ingestion of it, but rather to it's actual practical uses. Not that you would want to ingest rubbing alcohol anyhow. I actually have two different electric lock thingys for my car (at the dealership, they called them "fobs", so I will now also call them fobs). So, two key fobs for my car. Both my primary and my backup stopped working at the same time, prompting my fears that the wiring in my car was screwed up. After four days of living in fear of a break-in or theft because I couldn't lock my car (I could, but I wouldn't be to get back in), and also changing out the watch-size batteries that the fobs use, I went to the Saturn dealership. Before sending me in for an estimate or ordering new fobs (at $50 apiece!!!), he cracked them open and cleaned off the computer chips in both with rubbing alcohol. Put them back together, and presto... they both work like a charm! Feeling foolish, I thanked him profusely and fled.

How to tell if it's time to kick Brandon off of your blog and take applications for new contributors - This one is easy. Just scroll through the list of posts and find the most recent one that Brandon has written. If it's July 23rd, it's time to kick him off the blog. Anyone out there interested in becoming our Wednesday contributor. I mean, I've missed 2, even 3 weeks in a row at one time or another, but this is ridiculous.

How to produce giddy tears at a national political convention - From what I've seen, all you really have to do is show up. I mean, I've only heard a couple of speeches this week, and they were all pretty good, but Joe Biden last night, while steady and reliable, is not the sort of speaker who evokes cries of joy and hope. But pan the camera around, and damn if half the people at the DNC this week aren't ready to just check into therapy, so overcome are they with this utopian experience in Denver.

How to get unreasonably excited about the Detroit Lions' upcoming season - Just watch the preseason games. You'll become convinced that the defense is coming together, the running game is going to work this year, that Marinelli's "kind of guys" are finally on the field. If you are able to somehow remember that such excitement IS, in fact, unreasonable, you just might come out of it still regarded as a levelheaded individual. But if delude yourself into thinking that this means the Lions are going to the playoffs this year, all you have to look forward to is disappointment and anger. Don't go down that road, my friend.

How to get all of your friends to make fun of you - Get a Blackberry phone. Furthermore, announce the presence of the Blackberry phone by linking it to your Facebook. Your friends will all quickly assume that you are spendthrift and frivolous, and that you think too highly of yourself than you ought. Apparently owning a phone that downloads email is some sort of status symbol that now means that I am Big Pimpin', a class of invididual who can no longer fraternize with non-Blackberry-using serfs. Actually, maybe this is true. I'll have to rethink my position.