How to make friends and influence people...

One of the most worrisome but not oft talked about issues with moving away from the city and friends we have known for 10 years is the idea of making new friends. Not only do our old (aka "golden") friends set a high bar for any perspective future friends, but being relativly introverted means making friends can be even more diffcult than normal. I think I'm a little "friend-making" challenged, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

"Be open and honest with people". I think that's a horrible idea! I've tried it a couple times and most people said that the first time they met me I scared them. There's plenty of stuff peope don't really want to know about me, not even the friends I already have. "Hi, my name is Crystal and ignorant people bug me. How are you doing today?" Yeah, that one just really perks'em right up! Or my favorite, "I do my best thinking in the bathroom."
Or:

"I think it's funny when my dog snores."
"I get bored when people talk about themselves."
"I like to read books, but I don't really like to discuss them."
"I love shoes."

And where exactly am I supposed to meet people to be open and honest with? In the grocery store? Walking down the street? At restaurants? So I'm in the produce aisle and I see a guy checking out the tomatoes and I'm supposed to be like, "I make my own salsa!". Or when I'm walking down the street and see someone power walking passed me I can shout out to them, "I have a dog and she's real cute!". Or maybe at a stop light I can just roll down my window and say, "I bought this car from an old guy who died!". Why didn't I think of this before! I'm going to be swimming in friends!

This however, is not how I've made friends in the past. Not like I've made a ga-zillion friends. The last friend I made by inviting her over for a movie and then locking us both out of my house at 2 in the morning so that she was forced to offer me a place to spend the night until my husband got home with a key. I might just stick with that option, it's worked so well for me.

"Just be yourself". Yeah, great...if you like yourself. I personally am not very impressed with myself. Who wants to be friends with someone who would much rather read than try to come up with conversation that is bound to be boring? Who wants to hang out with a person who is either too quiet or too loud, doesn't like sports or politics, couldn't care less about the weather, doesn't have any hobbies, has either no opinions or far too many opinions, is easily bored with games or gets too competetive, and has no basic interests that can be shared in a group setting. I think we all understand that some people really shouldn't just be themselves, some people should try to be other people.

"Learn to listen". I've done this before. I've been very careing and listened a lot and not said anything. This seems to attract the clingy, needy, and self absorbed. Or just plain weird. I've had people who talk and the more they talk and don't get a response the more bizaare they get, and suddenly they're talking to you about being able to turn street lights on and off with their mind when they get in 'the mood'. And to be completely honest, I don't just want friends, I want cool friends.

Here are some ideas I have put together which I think are way better than those silly little sayings that your mom cross stiched and hung in your bedroom.

"Be a hero". Everyone likes a hero. If you've saved someone from accident or near death, they'll be your friend forever. I suggesting tripping someone accidentally on purpose and then catching them before they fall. Then, when they thank you profusely you can be very humble and most people like that a lot. If that doesn't work, the next time you see them you can push them in front of a car and then push them out of the way sacrificing your body for their safety. This has to work although it may make you dead.

"Stalk 'em if you like 'em". For this you have to be a little bit sneaky because you don't want to get caught. Getting caught makes enemies, not friends. Stalking means you need to find out everything they like, and don't like, and all the people they hang out with. Then, when you 'meet accidentally' you like everything and everyone they do. This works because most people are in love with themselves and will immediatly like anyone who is exactly like them. This is hard, however, because it means trying to find someone cool enough to be worth stalking.

"Be cool and mysterious". This works but you have to find the perfect balance of both cool and mysterious. I am very mysterious but it's often hard for me to be cool, that makes people not want to get to know me. If you're cool but not mysterious, sooner or later people are going to figure out that you're not that cool. To be both cool and mysterious the best thing to do normally is to lie. Say something like, "It's so hard to date famous men. The last one I dated got shot", when they ask questions, refuse to talk about it.

"Kidnap". The accidental kidnapping has been a proven friend maker in my time. This can be done by locking yourself or someone else out of their home. I also think this would work great in an elevator. You could accidentally spill your Big-chug on all of the buttons. Then you've got plenty of time to meet and greet while waiting for the rescue team to arrive. It works even better if the elevator does not get good reception, then people cannot ignore you by talking on the phone the whole time. Take advantage of the whole situation, remember firemen can be friends too!

Personally, I have not found very many people that are worthy of being kidnapped or almost killed. Plus, I just don't have the energy for most of these ideas. To be honest, as I move on to new places and new things, I'm going to stick with the old saying "If you want a friend, be a friend". It's a good saying and it actually helps me to remember it when I'm dealing with new people. To keep in mind that I need to be the person I most want to befriend. Someone funny, kind, and outgoing. I can't expect people to come find me so I have to go find them. I have to be the one to say "Hey, let's go get something to eat" or "Do you bowl?" or "Do you need help with that?" I have to keep my eyes open for the opportunities that present themselves. It's hard, it's not always fun, and it's not always worth it. But, if out of 100 tries, I get 1 genuine friend, then I think I'll be ok.