10 Reasons I Hate U

Ok, we've all been there at the grocery store, in a hurry because we're late for some function that we volunteered to bring food or beverages to and we hop in for a few last-minute purchases, well-under the 12-items-or-less limit to come to the U-Scan it line. This looks like the quickest solution to your soon-to-be-late demise because you control how slow the service is. These robotic check-out clerks are the wave of the future. They have large-print, easy to read interfaces with pictures so you don't even need to speak English to use them (a huge relief to the people of California). They are also available with a Spanish interface as well. WOW, right? How could something feel so right, yet be so wrong?

I hate you, U-Scan.
Here's why:
10. Alcoholic purchases require a clerk to come over, check your I.D., and scan their pass-card so that you may continue scanning items.
9. Produce purchases require a numerically savvy person to manually enter the correct number on the sticker of your produce. This seems to be quite the challenge for the majority of purchasers who aren't sure if they should be entering the actual 4-digit number or their birth year apparently. Most of the time this still requires the expertise of the stand-in overlord clerk who knows all produce numbers. Oh yeah, and they still have to COUNT your produce for you.
8. The fact that the cash counter in the robot is too stupid to count paper money before you insert your coins. You have this hundred-thousand dollar piece of crap robot and it can't even count money without separating it?
7. Adherence to the 12-items-or-less standard seems to be more like a 12-item-minimum than a maximum. Screw you, mothers who breach the limit!
6. Why is it that only half of the units seem to work at one time? The idea for this technology was to speed up purchases, why aren't you running more units at a time? You like angry customers?
5. Moms. Moms invariably have at least as many coupons to scan as they have items. Are you kidding? Coupons in the U-scan? That's like driving a Festiva in the left-hand lane on the expressway.
4. Have you ever been in the U-Scan and the bar code won't read? You run the item across the scanner from 100 different angles and...nothing. People behind you in line are getting antsy. "Why is this guy taking so long? Is he some sort of idiot who can't scan?" You then have to get assistance from the clerk, who never knows the price and they have to do a price-check. A price-check! "Can I get a price on Dr. Scholl's gel inserts?"
3. The scale. You put your item in the bag, but it's too light for the scale to read and it keeps asking you to put your item in the bag. Are you kidding? Or then there's the kids who keep touching the scale and it looks like you're stealing. Nice.
2. Or then there are the times that you are out shopping late and you need to get a large number of items and you HAVE bottle returns and coupons, but the only way out is through the U-Scan, because the real cashiers are on break. Now you have to scan 70 items through the U-Scan or wait the 30 minutes for the cashier to get back from lunch.
1. Old People. There should be a disclaimer on all digital screens that people over the age of 50 may do or say something stupid to this machine. Most of the time they are in denial about their loss of near-vision and they can't read the prompts on the screen because they can't step back far enough to see it and still reach it. They move slowly to begin with, as with almost any other act in life that requires speed of motion, old people invariably slow down every other process including U-scans. Also, they always seem to be the majority of people who have too many items, alcohol, and coupons. I stood in line today while I watched one dude with 20 items and 5 bottles of wine. He couldn't see the screen. He was so fat that bending over to reach his items in his cart was like watching a weight lifting competition. I watched as 17 people went through the lines around him. 17? And that was with two of the scanners not working.